The End of Our Adoption Journey: The Worst and Very Best Time of Our Lives

The month of July for us was both the most difficult and most incredible month of our lives. The story of what happened is, to us, SO unbelievable that we joke about making a movie about it... I could break the whole thing down into several posts, but most of you that have followed along with our journey have heard about what's happened, so we'll keep it pretty short. We're ready to move on to the next leg of the journey, anyway...

Shortly after my last post, I was hospitalized for Pancreatitis for the second time. Pancreatitis is a slow healing problem that does not care what your schedule is, so the fact that I would soon be hoping to travel to Florida to welcome a new baby into the world was irrelevant. I spent day after day in the hospital, sometimes making progress but mostly staying the same, or even getting worse.... during that time we would hear from our agency that things with the baby seemed to be getting close, although we kept praying that he would wait to make his entry into the world after I had gotten better.

Fast forward to Wednesday, July 25th, at which point I'd been in the hospital for just short of 2 agonizing weeks. The decision was made to transfer me to a larger hospital where I'd be seen by a specialist, and I arrived at the new hospital around 1:15 PM. Andy arrived to be with me around 1:30.  At about 2:30, we saw the doctor about a procedure I needed to have the next day. At 3:15, we received a call from our agency that our birthmother would be induced the next morning. At 3:25, we were on the phone with our agency explaining that I would not be able to travel yet and asking if there was any way the induction could be held off a few days. At 4:15, we received word that the induction would indeed be happening and that our birthmother wanted Andy to get to Florida as soon as possible. By 4:30, Andy left the hospital and I started making plans for someone to travel with Andy, as well as booking flights for their journey and trying to stay calm. This was so unexpected and heartbreaking and exciting... just a thousand feelings all at once.

Thursday, July 26th: Andy and his mom and sister, Katie, left Minneapolis for Florida right away in the morning. At noon, the doctors started the procedure that would hopefully improve my Pancreatitis. At 12:18, our birthmother gave birth to the most perfect little boy. A few short hours later, Andy arrived and got to meet our new son, Caleb Edwin, for the first time.

Clearly this was a bittersweet day. It was incredibly difficult to be separated -- while Andy was in Florida with the baby, his thoughts were constantly with me. Though my body was in Wisconsin, my heart and soul were both in Florida. In the 48 hours after the baby was born, Andy and Grandma Karen and Auntie Katie spent lots of time with the baby, and Andy spent some special time with our birthmother. At the hospital in Wisconsin, I walked and tried eating for the first time in over two weeks, and did everything I could to convince the doctors that I was well enough to leave. Finally discharged at 7:00 PM on Friday, I was on my way home to pack a bag and head right to the cities for a flight at 5:00 AM the next morning. By 10:30 on Saturday, I was able to reunite with Andy at the airport in Florida, and by 11:40 AM, I got to hold my son in my arms for the first time.... at long last.

Over the next two hours we became parents. We held the baby, and we spent some very special time with our birthmother. Words cannot express what a gift she has been to us, and what an incredibly special young woman she is... I would try to say more but I don't have the words... I doubt I ever will. It also feels very sacred, our time with her, and I want to protect that and treasure it. It was emotional, and very, very special. By 2:00 all the papers had been signed (our birthmothers as well as our own) and the moment we had been waiting for for months -- years, in fact -- was finally here... this little boy was officially ours.

We will never be able to understand the timing of what we went through and things most definitely did not happen the way we had been anticipating, but at the end of the day the only thing that matters is that we have our health (slowly but surely, things are improving) and most importantly, we have this incredible gift... this sweet little boy that we can call our own. We have never known such love, and we can only dream of what amazing things lie ahead for our family, now complete.

We are so, so incredibly blessed.

Thank you, once again, to every single one of you who has supported us, cheered us on, sent us positive vibes, and prayed for us -- especially over these past three weeks. It was the worst of times for us, for sure, but also the very best.... we could not have gotten through it without the love and support of our family and friends (and even some complete strangers... it's been incredible). Thank you. THANK YOU.

Love to you all. xoxo

Andy, Kristen, and Caleb

Q & A Session

I asked on Facebook if anyone had any specific questions so I could do a blog post that addresses things people are wondering about... I'm so glad I did!  These are some great questions!  Some were simple to answer, and others were more complicated... from our perspective, here are our answers:

Q: Where is the birthmother located?
A: Florida

Q: Have you met the birthmother?
A: We haven't met her in person, but we did get a chance to Skype with her! What a crazy thing! We sat in our dining room with a laptop on the table and got to have a virtual meeting with our birthmother while she sat at her apartment in Florida... What a neat part of the adoption experience! We spoke that first time for about half an hour, and I think that getting to see each other really helped establish our connection in a way that a phone call cannot...

Q: Will you have to travel to meet the birthmother before the baby is born?
A: We don't have any plans to travel to Florida until our birthmother is having the baby. Some birthmothers may request meeting in person after the match is made, but ours has not -- and since we did get to 'meet' via Skype, I think that was good enough for her.

Q: When will you be going to where the baby is? (Florida)
A: As soon as our birthmother goes into labor and is admitted to the hospital, they will call us and we will drop everything and get on the road (to the airport). They won't call us until they're certain it's "the real deal" (since we'll pay for flights and travel and they don't want us to do that until they're sure it's really going to happen). When that happens, we'll do everything in our power to get there as quickly as possible. Of course -- as we near the due date, if she is scheduled for a cesearean or to be induced, etc, they'll let us know that and we'll have a better idea of when we need to travel in order to get there in time -- but mostly, it depends on the baby and when he's ready to get here.

Q: Do you know a lot about the birthmother?
A: We're so lucky to have gotten a chance to talk to our birthmother. A few weeks after the first Skype meeting, I was able to also speak with her on the phone for an hour. I don't feel like we know a lot about her at this point -- we've spoken for about 90 minutes total, and some of the time she was asking US questions -- but we are really grateful for what we've had. Not all adoptive families get to talk to their birthparents and we look at it as a huge blessing that we get to! We know some medical history and some background info about her, and her age and life situation, etc.  We know that she is very, very sweet, and she says "ya'll" when she refers to us. It's fabulous :)

Q: When will the baby be yours?
A: That differs by state, but in Florida the birthmother can sign the papers 48 hours after the baby is born, or as soon as 24 hours after the birth if she's being discharged from the hospital. So... as soon as she signs the papers, the baby is ours. Exactly when that will happen we don't know for sure, but it will not be any sooner than at least 24 hours after the baby is born. Then, once she gives consent, she cannot revoke it per Florida law (unless she can prove she was forced, etc).

Q: What type of guarantee do you have that she will give you her baby?
A: Absolutely none. We can only hope/pray... Prior to choosing us, our birthmother received counseling from the agency and they typically do not let birthparents select an adoptive family unless they are reasonably confident that the birthmother truly plans to pursue an adoption plan. There are many factors in our birthmother's life that led her to believe adoption was the right choice for herself and for the baby, and she has expressed to me specifically that she knows in her heart it's the right thing. When it comes down to it though, we have no guarantee and we will not know for sure until it comes time to sign the papers. Our agency has told us that about 1 out of every 5 matches disrupts at some point (so 4 out of 5 matches go through just fine... that's how we're looking at it).

Q: What happens if she doesn't give you the baby?
A: Well... then we'll be heartbroken, and we'll come home. We know going into this that we may go to Florida, we may meet the baby and spend time with him, and we still may end up flying home without him. If that happens, we'll be doing our best to believe that everything happens for a reason.  And we'll need some hugs.

Q: Do you come back to Wisconsin right away after the baby is born?
A: No. After the initial paperwork is signed, the baby is in our custody but we are not allowed to leave the state of Florida yet... there will be more paperwork (for both the state of Florida and the state of Wisconsin) and then approximately 7-10 business days later, we'll get a call that says we are cleared to leave the state. So, we're expecting to be in Florida for around 2 weeks, but we don't have any way of predicting exactly how long.

Q: Will you have ongoing contact with the birthmother after the baby is born?
A: I don't believe so... we will be sending photos and letters a couple times a year to the agency, but I don't know if there will be any other contact. The reason I'm not sure is that sometimes adoptive families and birthparents decide together to keep in contact (even though it isn't expected in a semi-open adoption) -- and I don't know if that will happen in our case. It'll depend a lot on our birthmother and how she's feeling after the baby is born. So we'll see...

Q: What safeguards you from her coming back months or years later asking for him back?
A: I hope with all my heart that our birthmother is comfortable and at peace with her decision. If she were to decide later that she wants him back, that's just not possible under the law as long as the adoption is legit and everything happens 100% legally. Literature that I've read suggests that that type of situation is pretty rare -- although of course it has happened. But, so long as our agency follows correct legal procedure and the adoption is finalized properly in court, we shouldn't have to worry about that. They tell us the best thing we can do is send the pictures and letters we've promised and that can be a big help in her being more comfortable with her decision.

Q: Do you know what you're naming the baby?
A: We do... and if you see me in person, I'm happy to share. Otherwise, that one will stay a secret for now. :)

So.... I'm so glad you asked some questions!!  Please do not hesitate to ask Andy or myself anything... we're happy to share our perspective. We could not get through this without the love and support of our friends and family, so THANK YOU!!

xoxo

The Phone Rang

The phone rang at 4:01 on Thursday, May 24th. I looked at the screen and saw that the call was coming from Kansas....

Kansas!!! Our adoption agency is based in Kansas...  Oh boy.... my heart literally quit beating for a moment and then went into turbo speed... could this be it? Could this be the call we had been hoping for?

I got out of my chair and walked over to the window --- I was on the lower level of our house and I wanted the best reception possible. I knew that would be especially important given the state of the weather = The sky was the creepy gray/green color that comes right before a huge storm, the wind was getting vicious, and I knew within minutes it would be torrentially downpouring.... Yep, that was starting to happen at the exact same time that someone from Kansas was calling my phone.

I stood by the window and answered the call. I heard something like this:

"Hi, is this Kristen? This is Brighid from American Adoptions. I'm calling to present you with a match!"

And there they were... the words that confirmed this really was the call we had been waiting for!!!

Aside from the fact that the wind got so nasty it took out trees and caused crazy damage in our area, and aside from the fact that the pouring rain started hitting our front window in just the right way that the weak seal didn't hold and water started pouring into the window and down onto my carpet, and aside from the fact that I was holding the phone with one hand (still intently listening to the match information) while running to the bathroom to grab towels with the other hand and then back to the window and then back to the bathroom and then back to the window, etc.... aside from all that, this was one of my favorite moments EVER!!!

Our Exciting News

We are so excited to share that we have been chosen by a birthmother.... and we have a BABY BOY due August 10th!! 

This is a picture of us after we received the call.

We were feeling just a jumble of emotions... happy, scared, surprised, etc... and most of all we were (and still are) feeling SO BLESSED. Thanks for supporting us, and we hope you'll continue to pray for us and for the wonderful young woman who is planning to give us the most special gift ever.

Keep checking back -- I'll write more about the call and the things that have been happening since then... thanks for being on this journey with us!!

Happy Thoughts

We just want to say THANK YOU for the support, the prayers, and the happy thoughts... we believe they are all working!  Every day that goes by we are one day closer to becoming parents, and another day closer to getting to meet our little baby.  Keep 'em coming!!!

Keeping Busy

Question I'm asked: "What are you doing while you are waiting for a baby?"

We are doing what we usually do... we're keeping busy! 

February and March were busy with bridal showers for my sister and our trip to Hawaii for Heather and Jay's wedding....   Seriously.... 10 days in paradise.... what a great way to "kill time!"  LOL

The end of March and beginning of April were busy with baby showers... amazing baby showers! Our moms and sisters threw some unbelievably special parties where I got to be around people who are completely supportive and excited about our adoption. I got lots of great advice, some absolutely amazing things to help us get ready for when Baby Olson gets here, and even more special to me are the wonderful memories from those days. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to the incredible people who came to the showers and were part of a very special time for me... I'll never forget it!

And what else? We've both been working a lot, we're making some changes to the landscaping of our house and planting some new trees, and we've spent some time at the cabin. We are looking forward to the end of the semester and the opening of fishing, and we're just enjoying this time together --- we know at any moment  the phone could ring and things will never be the same!

We'll definitely keep you posted!

The Big Question

The big question that we get now is.... "So, when will you get your baby?"
That is a good question, indeed! The best answer that I have is, "I don't know."

With pregnancy comes a certain amount of predictability about when the big day will be... Of course it varies a bit, but typically you know about when you'll be bringing a baby home.

Well, evidently being pregnant is not in the big plans for me, so I don't get to know about when this will all happen. With adoption comes a lot of uncertainty and unpredictability - It depends on when someone picks us. We might not get the call that we've been picked for a few months yet.... or it might be longer. Or, we could get the call next week... or tomorrow! And it depends on when the birthmother that picks us is due to have the baby. Maybe she won't be due for a few months yet. Or maybe the baby will be due within a day or two! And, of course, it depends on if everything goes smoothly once the baby is born.

So, again, a lot of unknown... In the meantime, we're preparing to welcome a baby into our home, because it could be any day. We're reading and talking and preparing - like any other family who is going to have a baby soon would do.

Evidently it's hard for some people to understand why we're preparing for a baby since I'm not actually pregnant. I've had people question why I'm thinking about baby things, or why I would be getting a nursery ready, etc. (You're doing that already?) Here's the thing: If I was pregnant, no one would question why I am getting ready for a baby... but this waiting period IS like a pregnancy for us -- without actually getting to be pregnant. We've got the same big change coming without the benefit of knowing exactly when it will happen... I think about what it would be like to wait until the baby gets here to start making a plan or to start getting what we'll need, and that sounds awfully stressful to me! And from what I've heard, bringing a baby home is already stressful enough. So... while we wait for news that someone has picked us to be the parents of their baby, I'm enjoying the process of getting ready. It's awesome! It makes me feel excited about what's in store for us, and I'd much rather be prepared than not.

So, when will we get a baby?  I don't know... but I am very, very much looking forward to the big day!!

Our Video

The video specialists at our placement agency sent us our completed video! We had spent a few weeks taping random things and doing an interview or two (see my last post), and we sent the footage off to our agency and the wonderful video specialists there put together this video for us.
I will say it's a little intimidating to share it and "put it out there," but I'm assuming if you're on this blog, you're a friend or family member who has supported us in our journey and so I'm happy to share it with you guys if you'd like to see it!

Our agency will include this video with our profile and it will be shown to birthparents who are interested in considering us... it should be a nice way for birthparents to get to "see" us and get a better idea of who we are and what we are like than what they can read from the text and pictures in our profile. And watch for our furbaby, Kenai, who makes lots of appearances throughout!

Making Our Video

One of the tools our placement agency uses to help birthmothers review profiles of adoptive families is an adoptive family video. We've been working on our over the past few weeks.

I don't think a lot of agencies do this, and although it is sort of intimidating to put together I think the end result will be great! They ask that we shoot video of ourselves doing things we regularly do, and we also sat and answered some interview questions (shown above, in process). They have special staff that will go through the footage that we submit and they will put together a 3-4 minute video that hopefully helps the birthparents feel like they get a better picture of who we are than what can be shown in pictures and words.

"Try to look comfortable."  Yeah.... easier said than done!

We'll be finishing our clips to send in early this next week. Hopefully they'll have some good material to put together a great video for us!!

Good News: We're Active!

I told you I would have some good news very soon! We're active!!

The truth is, as I was proofreading my post yesterday and about to push the 'publish' button, I received a call from my placement agency stating that our home study had been approved, our reference letters had been received (thank you, overnight FedEx!), and we are officially being listed as "active" and they'll be starting to show us to birthparents! We took a few cheesy photos to mark the occasion:

So we're obviously very, very excited! We've cleared some major hurdles and although there is still a lot ahead of us, I feel like we've really come a loooooong way. It feels amazing to have the home study completely behind us!

So what now? Well.... now we wait. Yes, the "w" word again. Our placement agency will start showing us to birthparents that meet our guidelines (who are looking for people like us), and there is no way to know how long it will be until someone looks at our profile and says, "Them... they're the ones." (Gives me chills just thinking about it!)

So we wait! But this wait feels different already... I like it! At any moment we're going to get a call that will change our lives -- maybe two months from now, maybe six months from now... we can't know that now, but this is 'the wait' we've been waiting for!

Stalled and Brokedown

It's been 1 month since I have blogged about our adoption journey, and that's because I wanted to wait until I had some good news to blog about! But, that meant a really long time between blog posts because there has been a really long wait to get some good news -- ANY good news.

For a long time, our process stalled... I don't want to complain, but I want to be honest about how I feel and so that's what I'll be... The wait for our home study to be completed was much, MUCH longer than we were hoping. After our home visit on December 21st, we didn't hear anything for many weeks -- 5 weeks, to be exact. Even then, we only heard something because I brokedown and wrote our social worker to check on the progress of the report; we were told at that time things were going well and we'd be hearing something soon. Well, "soon" would be 2-1/2 weeks, and we finally received word on Thursday last week that our home study was complete and being sent to our placement agency for review. So, the entire home study process for us was almost 5 months. (Our home study agency told us when we were "shopping" for agencies that if we went with them to expect 3 months, start to finish... but hey, at least it got done, right?)

Wahoo!!!!  This was finally some good news!!!  BUT....... HOLD ON, not so fast! This good news was accompanied by some really, really unexpected not-so-great news: our home study agency would not be releasing the reference letters our dear friends and family had sent in for us, in OCTOBER, which our placement agency requires in order to become active.

And... PROCESS BREAKDOWN.

I'm not going to lie, I was upset. Since this process started I have been right on top of things, yet for some reason something that we should have been told about months ago was kept from us and there wasn't anything I could do about it. Our home study agency required 3 reference letters, and our placement agency asks for 5 -- so we were proactive and told our social worker we would get 5 letters so that we covered our bases for the placement agency too, and we were told this was no problem. So, when our wonderful friends and family worked on these letters for us and sent them in 4 months ago, how could we know that our home study agency wouldn't be passing those on to our placement agency -- not even copies?! It was especially disappointing given that we had been sitting around, doing nothing for the past 7-1/2 weeks while we waited for our social worker and could have been working on getting new references done during that time. I'm still trying to see the bright side of this one.

But, we are blessed with some amazing friends and family, and I mean amazing!! Within a few hours of getting this news, four friends and one sister-in-law interrupted their busy lives to do a favor for a disappointed mama-to-be. Some of them had already done the letters once, which made it even more frustrating to ask them to do it again. But -- they all came through and helped this process get back into motion. I'm so, so grateful.

And that means...  good news coming soon!!  (Very soon!!)

Adoption Stories

Since we began the adoption process, I've definitely been paying closer attention to adoption-related news. I get newsletters from our agencies and I read more articles, etc.

I am also much more sensitive to how adoption is portrayed in the popular media... For example, this week alone I saw adoption-related storylines on Private Practice, Parenthood, Glee, and Friends (reruns) - just to name a few. There are threads of reality weaved throughout the plots, but there were definitely some "Seriously? That would never happen!" thoughts running through my head as I watched some of them. (But it's okay, I know that prime-time television doesn't have an obligation to be realistic -- I mean, part of why we watch is because of the drama, the craziness, and the excitement that can only truly exist in the world of our televisions, right?)

I also hear more real-life stories than I've ever heard before. Many people share a story or two when I tell them I'm adopting... "Oh, a friend of mine..." or "Did you hear about those parents that sent that boy back?" or "I know someone who got pregnant as soon as they adopted." etc.  Many are good stories, but many are not... some make me feel good, and some... don't.

But this story, this is one of the good ones.  (Kelly is a photographer that I've followed for years who has recently shared her adoption story.)

Open or Closed?

One of the common questions that people ask us is if our adoption will be open or closed, so I thought I'd answer that here. First, I'll explain my understanding of the open/closed/semi-open scenarios (and I've sprinkled in some more photos that we included in our profile, since I can't post without pictures!)

In very simplistic terms, in a closed adoption birthparent(s) and adoptive parent(s) do not know or meet each other, and they don't know each others identities. Birthparents do not 'choose' the family, and there is no contact between birthparents and adoptive parents prior to or after the adoption happens.

In an open adoption, birthparents and adoptive parents know each others identities, and there is typically contact prior to the adoption, and then ongoing contact afterward (although this can vary extensively).

And then there is a semi-open adoption. In this case, there may be information shared between birthparents and adoptive parents, but not identifying information (no last names, addresses, etc). Birthparents usually choose who they want to be the adoptive parents (based on profiles, etc), so of course they usually see photos and read information about the family. Birthparents and adoptive parents may have contact with each other prior to the adoption -- they may even meet or talk on the phone -- and there may be some contact after the adoption as well, but this usually happens via the adoption agency (it's not usually direct).

So... which one for us?  Our adoption will be a semi-open adoption. 

We've put together our profile which will be shown to birthparents, and they will know our interests, our professions, and they will know we live in Wisconsin. Our last name and address will not be shared, nor any other specific identifying information. Once we are chosen, we will most likely be told the same type of information about our birthmother and birthfather (if possible).

Exactly how much contact we have with the birthparent(s) prior to the adoption will really depend on the wishes of our birthparents. We may get to speak to them on the phone, or even exhange emails (from a non-identifying email address). We may also meet the birthparents in person prior to the birth of the baby, if that is what they wish. If they do not really wish for these forms of contact, it isn't required, but we're told that birthparents typically welcome at least a little bit of contact prior to the adoption.

After the baby is born, Andy and I have willingly committed to send photos and a letter to the adoption agency twice a year until the child is 6, and then once a year after that until the child turns 18. The agency will make these photos and letters available to the birthparents, and they may view them if they wish. There is not usually any other ongoing contact between the families (although of course this varies too).

So that's the nutshell version... if you have any questions about it, please just ask us! 

Our Profile is Done!

Last week our adoption agency contacted us to let us know that they had finished putting together our profile!

Now, different agencies do things differently... At first, I assumed we'd have to put together a photo book or a powerpoint presentation that would be used as our profile and that would be shown to birthparents. However, with our particular agency, they choose to have a team that puts together all of the profiles for the families they work with. One of the reasons they do this is so that all of the families start on the same level, and families don't have to rely on their own technical skills (or lack thereof) for such an important part of the adoption process. Truthfully, I was relieved to hand the job over to them!

So, over the last few months we worked on all of the pieces (which we've written about in previous posts), submitted them to our agency, and we were so excited to see the finished product!

We have what they call a 'print profile' (what Andy is looking at), which is a 4-page brochure that will be shown to birthparents. There is also an 'online profile,' which includes everything the print profile includes but it also has a few more photos, another text section or two, and our complete list of favorites (only 5 or 6 favorites are listed on the print profile).

It feels so great to have this part done! It's one of the biggest tasks we've had to complete and it feels great to clear another hurdle.

NOW... our social worker should be working on finishing our home study document and hopefully within a few weeks that'll be done and we'll be active, and they'll start showing our profile to birthparents!! It's right around the corner!!!!!

Home Visit.... Check!

It was nowhere near as scary as I had imagined it would be... we made it through our home visit today with no problems or catastrophes. In fact, I thought it went really well! Our social worker came and we showed her our house, we signed more forms and answered more questions, and we went through the massive foster parent checklist. (Technically we will be foster parents until the adoption is finalized, so we have to meet the states requirements for foster parents as well.)

Here we are with our social worker:

Here she is filling out some forms with Andy (there were seriously a dozen more forms... we have to total well over 100 by now!):

And this is what Kenai did while we were working... he chewed on his bone, and PASSED GAS.  Yep, you heard me correctly... Every once in a while we'd get a whiff of nasty dog gas, which was actually kind of funny. We'd be talking about something serious and then get a whiff... and we'd laugh. It'll make for an interesting memory!

We made it!  Now, we wait for the home study document and paperwork to be completed (on our social worker's end) and then that will go to our placement agency for review. I wondered how on earth we'd ever get to this point in the process, but we did it! Our social worker is officially recommending us for placement!